Celebrating 2 years of prostitutes and cake

The Passage Hotel, Basel, Switzerland
The Passage Hotel, Basel, Switzerland

Happy Birthday to us, Conversant Traveller is officially TWO today! This frankly sounds a whole lot better than the number thirty-five which I’ll also be ‘celebrating’ this month. 

It would seem that travel blog convention dictates I should now drone on about what a wonderful ride it’s been over the last couple of years. I should gush about all you lovely peeps who take the time to read my mutterings. Then I need to bore you all senseless whilst recapping the best trips since I began blogging. Simply because I have nothing better to write about. Yawn.

Well I guess you know me better than that by now.

Instead, to celebrate our 730 day blog anniversary, I’m going to share with you something that never fails to make me chuckle. And that’s YOU guys and some of the inspired (or frankly baffling) search engine word choices and questions that have lead people to the Conversant Traveller website.

So without further ado, here are some of my favourites from google analytics which I’ll attempt to answer. If you can work out how the rest relate to my blog, then I’d love to know!

Top 20 most amusing searches leading to Conversant Traveller

20 – Older lady wearing muddy wellies

This one’s a joke! As hubbie will tell you (whilst rolling his eyes!) I’m the kinda person who walks around puddles so she doesn’t get them wet, or muddy! And I’m not that old…

Ardanaiseig, Loch Awe

My wellies aren’t muddy and I’m still young!!!

19 – Grass 2014

Was it a good vintage that year?

18 – Get well soon you baboon

Yeah, not sure what this one is all about, but I know someone who might…

Hluhluwe Imfolozi Game Reserve, South Africa

This evil-eyed beastie is thinking of anything but your welfare, in Hluhluwe Imfolozi, South Africa

17 – Where can I buy kif in Chefchaouen?

Whilst I can’t answer that precise question (memories of Chefchaouen are a little hazy!), I can tell you what else to do in the blue city.

Chefchaouen, known for it's blue streets as well as it's kif!

Chefchaouen, known for it’s blue streets as well as it’s kif!

16 – Wasp pancakes

Now this search I can understand.

When you’ve travelled non-stop for over 50 hours without sleep;

Followed by being stuck in a Guatemala City bus station guarded by men with guns because it’s so dangerous;

And your bus then breaks down in the middle of the night in a remote jungle and the driver absconds leaving you with a group of dodgy men;

Then you arrive at the animal refuge where you plan to volunteer for the next couple of weeks only to find there is not a drop of water to be had for washing or drinking;

And you subsequently fall very sick whilst stranded on the island in a storm…

THAT’s when anything tastes like heaven on earth. Even if your honey pancake comes with added wasp.

15 – Lichen encrusting

There was this one time, when we took it upon ourselves to do a spot of amateur deer stalking in Scotland, the home of one of the oldest living organisms, lichen.

Applecross, Scotland

Lichen encrusted forrests in Applecross, Scotland

14 – Buffalo going on the job

Finally something that does clearly relate to Conversant Traveller! We learnt how to plough rice paddy fields with a water buffalo in Laos last year. One of the most fun things I’ve ever done. Although I did get rather muddy, which I didn’t much like! I HATE mud!

Ploughing with Susuki the buffalo in Luang Prabang, Laos

Ploughing with Susuki the buffalo in Luang Prabang, Laos

13 – Haberdashery findings

I had to look up ‘haberdashery’ in the dictionary, unsure whether it involved curtains or hats. Turns out it’s neither specifically, and since I was expelled from my sewing class at school for being useless and playing pranks, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

12 – Can I get a doggy bag when I have afternoon tea?

Sure, but let me tell you, leftovers don’t look half as appetising after being carted around town in a cardboard box for 6 hours. My advice on London afternoon tea is to just go for it. Worry about being sick later!

Mad Hatters Afternoon Tea, Sanderson Hotel, London

Mad Hatters Afternoon Tea, Sanderson Hotel, London

11 – Where can I buy a dagger

In a dagger shop?

10 – Istanbul hotel with concubine 

Erm, a concubine isn’t exactly a 21st century hotel amenity in the Turkish capital. Ours actually came with free cake (the hotel that is, not the concubine…she was more expensive!).

Harem, Topkapi Palace, Istanbul

The concubine Harem, Topkapi Palace, Istanbul

9 – The nougat guy

No idea about this one. I hate nougat. Almost as much as I hate mud.

8 – Okay tits

Should I find it insulting that this one landed here? I have to assume they’ve been lured in by my post on our birdwatching misadventures rather than my physique.

Bee-eater, Kinabatangan, Borneo

Bee-eater, Kinabatangan, Borneo

7 – I hate Laos

This person then spent nearly 45 minutes reading about how I love Laos, so maybe I’ve changed their mind?

View from Wat Chomphet, Luang Prabang, Laos

How can you possibly hate Laos?

6 – Turtle underwear

Erm, has this person been snooping in our sock drawer?

5 – The most naked ladies in Africa

Surely naked is naked? One cannot be more naked than the next naked person. And what’s the betting that next month’s Google Analytics for Conversant Traveller will now come up with lots of ‘naked people’ searches in it. Ooops.

Hluhluwe Imfolozi Game Reserve, South Africa

Hot girls in Hluhluwe (I’m so going to receive more random search traffic from this!)

4 – How to smuggle sand in the Galapagos

Now this we do know the answer to…

The only way to experience places like the Galapagos is on a shared boat tour - definitely worth it though!

Lovely golden Galapagos sand…

3 – Royal man tuxedo candle light wallpaper

You what????

2 – Can you get tipsy when your hard cheese has wine in it?

I am in the process of a thorough investigation, I will get back to you on this. I may be some time…

Mont Rochelle, Franschhoek Wine Tram, South Africa

Researching cheese and wine at Mont Rochelle, Franschhoek, South Africa

1 – Prostitutes in Tunisia / Are there any brothels in Sousse / Where do I find male escorts in Tunisia?

Embarrassingly, there have been over 50 variations of this search! So perhaps I should come clean. I can confirm that yes, there are prostitutes in Tunisia, and there is in fact a red light district in the back streets of Sousse medina. How do I know?

I’ve been!

Sousse medina, Tunisia

Just a few minutes from here we stumbled into the red light district of Sousse!

So there seems to be an underlying theme here, namely food and sexy times. I’ve obviously gone about this blogging lark all wrong!

However, I must have done something right, as THE most popular search by far is “how to choose between Erg Chebbi and Erg Chigaga desert in Morocco“.

Now that is something I do have the answer to, right here!

Erg Chebbi desert camp camel trek, Merzouga, Morocco

The charming ‘Chameau 2531’

If any of these searches came from you, then I do apologise for giggling at your expense! I honesty am chuffed that such a diverse range of people stumble across my blog.

You ROCK!!!!!


  • The Educational Tourist says:

    OK, now I am so curious how to find these for my own blog. On google analytics? This post is a scream! Love it!

  • Jakob Gibbons says:

    This was such a great laugh, hahaha, thanks for sharing! Loving the oddly specific “how to” searches and how often they seem to relate to human trafficking in one form or another haha. I was also just reviewing these same analytics for my blog and found “those fucking mexicans in monterrey” and “I meant a woman named Belinda” were among my most lol-worthy (and, like some of your examples, I weirdly know *exactly* why I ranked for both of those, hahaha) ^_^

    • It is a mind-opener isn’t it! And funnily enough since I posted this article, I’m now top of Google ranking for ‘muddy prostitutes’…maybe I should’ve thought that one through properly 🙂

  • dannielle says:

    This cracked me up! Fab way to celebrate two years, these birthday blog posts can get sooo boring so I absolutely love your take! I want to go and check my search terms now

  • BonBon says:

    Happy Anniversary!!! WOW!!! I didn’t know you can check on those searches… HA!!! I wanna know now:) Google analytics is so confusing to me… LOL
    Happy travels… xoxo

  • Jackie says:

    Omg, I am in stitches laughing! Where can I buy a dagger?!?! I had no idea you were the person to turn to on this one. Very clever way to celebrate your 2 years blogging. You’ve clearly learned more than just how to sort through Google Analytics data. Thanks for a good laugh!

  • Svet Dimitrov says:

    Hahaha, omg, some of these were outrageously hilarious! As I am bit new to google analytics, can you navigate to look how people find my blog? Thanks!

  • Monica says:

    So funny! I sometimes look at mine as well and I can’t help laughing 😉

  • Sara says:

    So funny, and a great way to celebrate, much better than the usual boring ‘look at what I’ve done’ posts you see out there.

  • Frank says:

    Really?? Wow. Yeah, welcome to the internet – I’m thinking I should include more dirty words in my titles, like mentioning breast or leg when eating chicken or using “spunk” over and over again. Like when describing someone who’s got a lot of courage and bravery. You Heather, have a lot of spunk 🙂
    Ok, Just kidding.
    Actually, I don’t know how to look that up on Google Analytics and I’m kind of scared now 🙂
    Frank (bbqboy)

    • Thanks Frank, you’ve probably just attracted a whole new niche of readers to my site 🙂 And if you want to find out the same for your site I’d be happy to tell you!!! Sure there’s some juicy searches going on behind the scenes 🙂

  • Loved this (and laughed:)! what an amusing way to celebrate- Congrats!

  • Danielle says:

    Ha ha ha! Firstly, how can I not click on blog title?! Happy blog-a-versary and thanks for the fun read! We have started showing up for some random search as well. Excited to grow our own list. 😉

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